I have finally found my place in the "popular" group at school. The one everybody wants to be in. The one I wished to be included in starting from the first day there. And now that I am in, it feels like the place I was secretly wishing for doesn't belong to me. I am doing and saying things that I would never have allowed myself to under normal circumstance. This is not me. It can never be me, and I can never truly be happy this way.
Eating wise, things have been terrible. Mum's been keeping track of my intake(and out) even more so than usual. She constantly nags me about what I eat (or don't eat rather), so much so, that I ate for breakfast today, what would probably constitute two servings of cornflakes and milk, just to get her to stop worrying. Also had a bite off a milk chocolate fudgey-bar my friend offered me and some ketchup and a half glass of lemonade. Sickeningly sweetened lemonade that was as scary as it was delicious. I never eat at school. I never ever eat anything between 7 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon. And I purge lunch. I still purge whatever I eat when I'm alone. My mouth is full of sores and my tongue is blood red from purging so often(My mum thinks I need folic acid). My head throbs constantly every afternoon and evening. I don't take pain killers till it gets too bad.
I am going to start maintaining some distance from T again. There are certain...okay, many...things about him and his life that make me very uncomfortable and I really cannot handle another bunch of problems now, selfish as that sounds. I will still continue to be here for him, to support him as a friend. But as far as his drug and alcohol habit goes, I need to stay away a safe distance.
Probably the only thing I look forward to doing all day is get to talk to James. That too, we hardly get time to say more than a hurried "hi" over the entire week. I don't know...my life just seems like a mess right now.
I really hope Dad does well on the interview. *crosses fingers*
Lilac Kitten
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