I have had a fairly pleasant day. Spent its entirity with my lovely extended family minus a few very important members (I am so mad at Iv for giving all family get-togethers a miss). Ate a lot, and that of course, remains a suspended cloud of guilt over the otherwise positive day. I don't think I can expect that to go for a good period of time now. But hey...I am not acting upon the guilt. I don't have an option to really. If I were to be left alone and unmonitored, I would go straight back to my eating-disordered ways. 

I almost nearly tripped over my own words to reassure my head of the fact that it's more out of compulsion than choice or free will that I did not purge today. Sometimes I can step back and see the irrationality in my own thoughts and words, which dictate my every action. It's a pity that doesn't change too many things for the better.

Oh well. Enough with talking in circles, I guess.

I and T have been talking a lot more over the last few days. Which is a good thing, I guess. We have always been fairly close. But...I don't know...three days and I am already faced with a dozen or so situations which remind me of exactly why I have chosen so many times before to pull away from him. Somehow a relationship with him, even purely platonic, seems to control my life in ways that don't make me very comfortable. I still can't say no to people. I still am too shy and let them have absolute power over my actions more or less. And the shame of that is sadly not enough to make me stand up for myself.

I guess pulling away again is as easy as every other time, but I don't have it in my heart to do something like that to him at a time like this. I would rather stay on for a while and handle this than leave him with one friend less when he's grieving. I wish he could make it easier on me by not rubbing it in my face that I almost always give in to what he wants. 

That's exactly why I have decided to cut him off my life so many times over the last few years. We basically accept the fact that our only communication is about once a year for about a week during one festival. And that's it. 

But I can't be selfish. He needs friends...and from what he says...he needs me. God. I wish he could just fall out of love. Or I wish I could believe in him when he claims his feelings for me are genuine. Just cannot bring myself to do it though.

Life's just chalkful of stupid ass complications, isn't it?

Eh...whatever. At least its better than being completely blank and depressed.

Right?

*shrug*